The Reptilian Sorcerers of Video Gaming

As webmaster of this prestigious website I have access to all sorts of information about my readership, probably more than people would be comfortable giving out. Thanks to tools like Google Analytics and WordPress Jetpack, I have more viewer secrets thrust before my eyes than a Facebook advertiser. Without even trying, I can tell how many hits each individual page gets, what country my readers are from, how long they spend here on average (one minute thirty-two seconds at the moment; maybe I should make my articles longer if it’s not just the spammers from Hungary bringing the average time down), what links they click on, what sites link to me (I get a lot of traffic from that sourpuss Icycalm), what search terms were used to find me, et cetera.

150 unique visitors a day? Watch your back, Cracked.com, I’m hot on your tail! My next article: "The Eight Most Mind-Blowing Teddy Roosevelt Mustaches".

So imagine how much evil could be done by webmasters who actually want to exploit their readers. The most fiendish thing I do on my site is call video game people big dummies and then try to get you to click on the ads for products I probably don’t endorse. But there are a mere two indulgences I allow myself to bask in: looking at the most hilarious spam left in the comments before dropping it into the memory hole, and the best things people Googled to find me.

Much like Tim Buckley, I produce most of my images from Google Image Search, peppered with screenshots I take if I’m reviewing a PC game. So I understand that I get a lot of hits from people looking for TEEN MARIO PIRACY FLAC TORRENTS who don’t care about a single word written here. But once in a while I see a search term that gives me pause.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

I don’t even know anymore, but the internet continues to amaze. This article is now dedicated to you, anonymous David Icke fan. Behold: The reptilian sorcerers of gaming.

The Moonspeak text says "He’s holding the princess captive in the final castle. Attacks by breathing fire. You only earn points by defeating him with fireballs." but the English translator knew the truth.

There you have it, right here from the Super Mario Bros. instruction manual. Proof that Bowser is in fact a sorcerer-king, just like the tyrannical dragons from Dark Sun . Not only does Bowser breathe fire and asexually reproduce, but he controls other reptilian sorcerers to do his evil bidding. He summons hordes of lizards and turtles to destroy the humans, the true heirs of the Mushroom Kingdom. Mere window dressing, or perhaps a subtle jab from Miyamoto at our Reticulan overlords?


I wrote two articles about Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition fairly recently. I enjoyed the game quite a bit, but in hindsight I now realize it was crawling with Illuminati symbolism. You begin the game as a corpse (the worker) who was killed by a mysterious force (Rothschild family) and you soon go on to fight a dark fortress full of snake people (Bilderberg Group). How could I have missed something so blatant? Perhaps, like the Gnostics of old, the information was presented in a fashion that was understandable on a surface level by outsiders but contains deeper knowledge perceptible only by the initiated. And maybe EA will make a PC game without crippling DRM.

The Final Fantasy series and its unlimited supply of tepid spinoffs has long been the source of Third Reich fascist propaganda. When I first played Final Fantasy XII (more like Aryan Fantasy , am I right?) I was struck by both the game’s laughable pretense at non-linearity (when in fact it desires to control every aspect of the player, even down to their choices in combat) and its dangerously open-minded attitude towards nonhumans. You don’t get any of these lizard filth in your party, but your pure white honkies are willing to do business with these cretins! Even Japan has been sucked into the reptilian conspiracy. Will you have the courage to boycott Final Fantasy games, not only because they’re unplayable anime garbage now but because they support the greatest evil in the Milky Way? And yes I know the picture is from Final Fantasy Tactics Advance . Shut up, you ableist. Check your privilege.

I never played any of the Spyro games for more than ten minutes because I already spend enough of my day picking up blocky items off the ground every time I kick a Minecraft player in his underdeveloped testicles. But this guy (Ripto) is a bonafide reptilian sorcerer, so he makes the list. I didn’t want to cram this article full of dragons because it would be way too long and I wouldn’t get the uncanny-valley effect that pictures of reptilian humanoids give to X-Files marathoners. But hey, anyone can join in on the fun. C’est la lézard.

A more sinister version comes from 2011′s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim , in which you can play as one of our extraterrestrial oppressors. Not only did this game subject us to stupid memes , but it’s trying to warp our culture and normalize these lizard scum by portraying them as some kind of unfairly oppressed minority like transgendered people or Falun Gong. Well, I’m not falling for your propaganda, Bethesda! You may say, "But game is about killing dragons to use their powers against them! You should appreciate it on the same level as They Live! or Battlefield Earth ." I am not persuaded. The fact that these slimy filth are allowed to co-exist with humans and practice their dark wizardry is more than enough proof of Skyrim ‘s corrupting nature.

In conclusion, open your mind, man. This is but an infinitesimal sample of the reptilian sorcerers of video gaming. We must put a stop at this attempt to brainwash our children. Portraying reptilians as stupid beasts or bumbling incompetents does a grave disservice to the reptilian menace. Pull out your dog-eared paperback copy of The Biggest Secret: The Book That Will Change the World and join me in the gaming revolution. Participants must supply own bombs and Nok-Nok Shells.

About Lee

Lee Laughead writes stuff about video games. Read his Twitter at https://twitter.com/Mesarphelous even though Twitter sucks.
Comedy, Personal Life, Video Gaming

1 comment


  1. More, more! Posts based on search results that lead to you are awesome. Way better than actually reviewing games. I’m not just saying that because I only play Wii games now. I’m saying it out of love.

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