8 More More Video Game Memes I Actually Like
I’m stressed out because today is the day that Nostradamus prophesied Lavos would send Terminators back in time to cause the Second Impact. My internet doctor says I need to keep writing positive articles about things that I enjoy or a vein in my forehead will turn into a cross and I’ll kick someone into the stratosphere. Desu. He’s a liar and doesn’t actually exist but I’ll do what he says anyway because once in awhile I see video game memes that are actually funny.
A Nintendo DS game called Baby Pals featured authentic baby babbling which, if you’ve been dropped on the head when you were one, kind of sounds like it’s saying “Islam is the light.” Some reactionary Protestants were horrified by this example of Apophenia as they see everything except guns and tax cuts for the rich as an assault on their beliefs, which must not be challenged at any cost.
Aside from the usual hilarity of seeing TV pundits get upset over a video game when they think the genre ceased to exist after 1980, there was the added bonus of the ludicrous fear that radical Muslims are infiltrating our video games when radical Muslims probably think that electronics are vile Western decadences. Besides, Muslims get slaughtered by the millions in most modern-day first-person shooters, so it’s not like a (non-existent) pro-Islam game would convert anyone any more than Doki Doki Majou Shinpan converts people into child rapists.
7. WOW! YOU LOSE!
So many 1980s video games were so hilariously unfair. What makes 1984’s Bokosuka Wars especially cruel is that it outright taunts you upon your failure. No mere “game over”, no “try again”, it’s “WOW! YOU LOSE!” The stark simplicity of the put-down was probably not intentional but it serves its purpose well. If you quit playing instead of showing Bokosuka Wars who’s boss, you are a reasonable individual and not cut out to be a gamer. Pick a more rational hobby like philology or drone bombing children in Yemen.
6. Blue shell
The Mario Kart series is more fun than most racing games, sure. But, much like sharing mp3s, it is communism. The game gives items to help your character or to hinder others; those further behind get the cool and useful items while those in first get nearly useless banana peels and single green shells. The most obnoxious item is the blue shell, which seeks and almost always smacks the player in first place. This sounds good on paper; it helps balance things so everyone can have fun, right? But Mario Kart insists on Harrison Bergeron-ing everything into PC conformity. Sometimes it’s ok that the win goes to the person who’s best at a thing, you know?
But the blue shell is an excellent symbol of the deliberately unreasonable attitude towards the Mario Kart games and spits in the face of those who take this obvious party game so seriously. It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering Cheetohs. You’re expecting far too much out of something that is intended for casual consumption. And the blue shell will always be there to destroy the best player. Want a fair test of skill? Play a real racing game, there’s lots of them.
Snake? Snake!? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!! The melodramatic howling of your comrades when you get a game over in a Metal Gear Solid game will resonate throughout the ages. It gets old quickly but you have to keep hearing it unless you mute your TV. After a mysterious number of repetitions, it wraps around the scale of quality and becomes entertaining again. You’ll find yourself screaming along with Otacon at your untimely demises, the word incorporating itself into your thoughts like a cancerous vuvuzela of fun. Even later games in the series keep this relic amongst their plots about vampire nanomachines hidden in Mount Rushmore.
This meme isn’t omnipresent on the internet, but I still get a stupid dopey smile whenever I see the Planescape rule-of-three invoked in the name of a legless reptile. And it’s still a better exclamation of despair at the death of a loved one than anything else from a video game I’ve ever seen.
4. Get out of here S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
The S.T.A.L.K.E.R. games are a series of first-person shooter/exploration combos taking place in a nuke-drenched dystopian Russia. You are the titular S.T.A.L.K.E.R., a scavenging quest-doer just trying to make ends meet. At some point a guy in the game says “Get out of here S.T.A.L.K.E.R.” and it’s punctuated that way in the subtitles and everything. The oddness of the moniker combined with the heavy abbreviation made for something gamers found strangely endearing in such a bleak game.
On the internet, it’s often used as a polite way of telling someone to shut up without coming across as a whiny censor. “Deus Ex: Invisible War was a good game.” “Get out of here S.T.A.L.K.E.R., that kind of talk can be dangerous around these parts.” The catchphrase (and the occasional “Get in here S.T.A.L.K.E.R.) occurs rarely enough that it never had the chance to be annoying like All Your Base. Hopefully it will remain in that sweet spot.
3. Quit gettin’ mad at video games
Internet superstar KC Green wrote and drew the above comic. Its meaning should be self-explanatory.
Similarly to #4, this entry is not merely a stupid wacky meme but actually useful in gaming conversation. When there’s someone in League of Legends raging at you for stealing their precious kill or some console warrior on a message board ranting about the superiority or one billionaire corporation above another, you can often calm them with a simple “Quit getting’ mad at video games.” Once in awhile they actually realize how foolish they’re acting over electronic distractions and start acting like adults. It’s advice I need to take myself on occasion.
2. Gabe Newell is large (and afraid of the number three)
Gabe Newell is about the only big-name person in the video game business that isn’t worthy of your ire. And in case you haven’t looked at gaming forum for more than five minutes, you might not know that “Gaben” is also fat. He’s so fat, he’s… at an increased risk of diabetes and heart disease!
It’s very difficult to find flaws in Valve’s games, so an easier route is to simply make fun of the physical appearance of their CEO and the fact that he has yet to release number three in any game series. Newell is one of the nicest guys on the planet and he doesn’t deserve your mockery, but I still have to admit that some of the fat jokes are hilarious.
And now, a moment of silence as we all mourn the death of the career of one of the finest game designers in history:
1. John Romero’s about to make you his bitch.
John Romero used to be a nerd hero. He was one of the men responsible for Wolfenstein 3D and Doom, two of the most influential FPSes in history and the source of much fascist politician butthurt. However, he was also a ridiculous prima donna: owning long beautiful hair, bragging about his achievements, blowing millions of dollars on a frivolous gaming palace with a retractable sunroof amongst other financial wastes, and most important of all, he was going to create a game so unimaginably breathtakingly great that we would all line up to perform oral sex on him. Needless to say, that didn’t happen any more than the Mayan apocalypse is happening today.
Despite many delays and unbelievable hype, Romero’s game Daikatana was saddled with horribleness. Even his biggest fanboys failed to find anything defensible in it. The levels, weapons, and plot were moist garbage and the promised brilliant companion AI was about as smart as a U.S. Senator. It was a gigantic Gigli-level failure that permanently ruined his reputation and bankrupted his company Ion Storm.
Every couple of years I like read about the incredible hubris that led to Ion Storm’s downfall. The meme and articles like this chronicle the baffling escalation of insane pride that eventually imploded upon itself to massive public ridicule. And Romero will truly never
suck live it down.