26 Ridiculous Things People Googled to Find This Stupid Site
I uncover a lot of fascinating things when people use search engines to find my site. From people who don’t know what GameFAQs is to perverted nincompoops who think Wartune has nude skins, they file in this place literally dozens of times per day searching for video game truth. I keep a .doc file of all the funniest/stupidest/scariest searches for my amusement, and hopefully now for yours as well.
1. 14500 street fighter
I know there were a lot of editions of Street Fighter II, but let’s be reasonable here. It’s true that the most recent iteration is literally titled Super Street Fighter II Turbo: High Definition Remix, but we can probably blame everything about that game on David “Fake Fireball” Sirlin. Or maybe this refers to the grimdark future of animu/pulp novel series Vampire Hunter D, which takes place in around 12000 A.D. and has more street fights than a tourist in Mumbai who took his hand off his wallet for five seconds. Capcom, you have my permission to use this golden idea for a sequel to the beloved Street Fighter 2010 for the NES.
2. ah guys how hard is dark souls?
This Google searcher doesn’t use stuffy proscriptive language like you elitist ivory tower types. He’s a casual, down-to-earth kinda guy who knows what’s really going on. Except for the fact that Dark Souls is a 420 on the Mohs Scale, which I thought everyone on the internet knew. There’s memes about it and everything, and memes are inescapable. If you’re having trouble with New Super Mario Bros. U or that pernicious Angry Birds then don’t even consider taking on Dark Souls; it was designed to demolish us crazies who have been at this video games thing for 20 years or more.
3. all sonic characters are scrappies
This is a reference to Scrappy-Doo, a cartoon character so universally despised that you can’t even find anyone on the internet who ironically pretends to like him. And yes, almost every Sonic the Hedgehog character is an obnoxious screeching rainbow-colored turd that only appeals to horrible people, but this too should be knowledge more commonplace than unfunny skits on a rap album. Sonic Generations was decent, which was an amazing achievement considering Sega’s track record from the past decade-plus. Its characters are still awful, though.
4. angry misogynist
I only affect a clichéd “angry video game guy” persona because I’m not smart enough to craft an even-handed examination of, say, the history of control mechanics in video games starting with 1962’s Spacewar! and how it’s ironically more complex than today’s QTE games for babies. The cheap laughs bring in the page hits, so I’ll drop them faster than bears in Australia.
And I already know that you hate women based on the fact that you play video games, you ableist. Die cis scum, and check your privilege in hell.
5. annoyed with sexually repressed desires
I know. Mai Shiranui isn’t returning my phone calls, either.
6. boy play sex
7. brain of a pro gamer
The brain of a pro gamer contains 80 percent gay-bashing and 20 percent Doritos dust. I think the stem is used for motor functions.
8. brom dark sun
Brom (self-portrait, right) is a rad artist but what’s noteworthy about this search is that it was searched for 305 times in one day. Someone with a webcrawler must have desperately needed to find something drawn by Gerald Brom and give hits to some small-time website. Not enough to click any ads, though. No one wants to support my ~*art*~
9. chahi problem
Eric Chahi’s problem is that his first game in thirteen years wasn’t very good. Or perhaps that Joanie loves him too much.
10. creator of berserk same as fist of the north stat
Kentaro Mirua is not the same person as the Buronson/Tetsuo Hara partnership. I could understand the confusion if you read the first two volumes of Berserk–which are basically Fist of the North Star with swords–but the former quickly became a far more worthwhile series. Hope this info helps!
11. dark souls while high weed
12. dc vs marvel vs capcom vs snk vs mk vs tekken
I’ve spoken on this kind of theoretical mashup before. I don’t enjoy the Mortal Kombat games very much but I’d gladly tolerate their presence if we could have the rest. Give us our official MUGEN, dear DC/Marvel/Capcom/SNK/
Midway Games Acclaim Entertainment/Namco! And throw in Asura Blade while you’re at it. Balance is for suckers; I’d rather have a smorgasbord of unlimited options.
13. do you have to use your brain a lot in batman arkham city
Batman: Arkham City is a highly overrated game that you can easily complete by moving in the direction of glowing things and mashing the counterattack button. On the plus side, Batman is so unbelievably superior to all of his foes in that game that it makes you feel more like being a Super Saiyan than any of the Dragonball Z games. It’s almost as bad as God Hand.
14. everyone is overrated
When you call something overrated (as I am wont to do; see previous entry) you have to get your definitions right. Are you talking about mainstream games or just internet-popular ones? Do you mean that all the bought-and-paid-for opinions of major gaming sites and magazines give the game too much credit, or that actual humans who actually play video games are perplexingly fond of it? It’s easy to come across as a petty whiner who gripes that he’s the special one who understands how everything works and everyone else are stupid sheeple who don’t know these obvious facts.
One of my internet friends suggested I add Chrono Trigger and EarthBound to my next article on “overrated games that everyone says are underrated” and another friend responded to us in this fashion:
“IMO over/underrated discussions are boring. First of all, you have to demonstrate something besides a dedicated curmudgeonliness. Second of all, you could write about ANY game being over or underrated. Every game has fans or detractors. I mean, I could write about Mother being ‘underrated,’ very sensibly I think, by the simple fact that 2/3rds of the series has never seen an English locailization, and Mother 2 was released nearly 20 years ago. How can a game be overrated when the vast majority of the gaming public has never played all three games, and probably never even one?
That only seems wrong to you because you’re tapped into the internet game-o-sphere and can easily locate many Mother fans. But that’s the big trap of internet-based opinion writing: citing small populations of dedicated fans as if they represent mainstream thought. It encourages petty strawmanning and high-horse grumpiness, neither of which are in short supply online. Doesn’t your own opinion suggest that there might be other Mother-haters out there? How do you know your opinion is in the minority?
That said, if you wanted to write about why you think Earthbound is a bad game, go for it. There are certainly enough Mother boosters out there who maybe deserve a critical response. But talk about Mother on its own terms, not the terms of what you perceive to be its biggest fans. Too much online opinion writing is muddied by references to niche communities who may not represent anything besides their own obscure opinions.”
Man. Why don’t I just give him the whole website? I’m bad at this. Not even joking, he destroyed me there.
15. giants game tonight
16. hidious cartoons
17. how to do ki blast
There’s a WikiHow on the proper technique for
being a brain-damaged child who thinks that anime is real firing balls of destructive energy out of your hands using the power of your mind. I don’t know how your naive search led to my site, dear dope, but I hear that Learn to Counter has ten times Earth’s gravity, you should check them out for all of your magic training needs. They’ll set you straight.
18. is the “open pandora” legal
Under the “Destruction of Digital Liberties Plus Free Earmarks for Shadowy Contributors to My Last Election’s Campaign Fund Act” of 2007, in the U.S. it is illegal to own any electronic device that isn’t formed from the shrieking bones of Ugandan child laborers. By 2020 all Linux users will be herded into Microsoft Live! gas showers and/or their skin turned into lamps for Steve Ballmer’s bedroom.
19. lee laughead’s braid
No I’m not.
20. my little pony game crossovers
Dragon Breed was a great shmup and I’m genuinely glad I helped someone rediscover it. We need more games of that genre, but only if they don’t have repulsive lolis in them.
22. reptilian sorcerer
This Googler led me to create the greatest article of all time and I hope I can catch lightning in a bottle again with this inferior article, much as the legendary Marvin Lee Aday followed up his classic “Bat Out of Hell” with “Bat Out of Hell II” 16 years later when he was even strapped more strapped for ideas than Seltzer and Friedberg or whoever changes the names on the Madden games every year. Though reptilian aliens are about as real as Tumblr fanatics who actually care about social justice, they serve a useful purpose as fodder for comedy hack writers looking to get a giggle out of poking fun at crazies. By the way, They Live, the truest movie ever made, was not literal but was an allegory for the human bastards who control us and how to remedy their existence with sunglasses, shotguns, and the digitus impudicus.
23. riot took my champion
I wrote a couple articles of theoretical League of Legends champions on the back of my Trapper Keeper too, but you don’t hear me griping that my ORIGINAL CHARACTER DO NOT STEAL was appropriated by the same people who think barbarians from frozen northern lands wear fur bikinis.
24. tetsuya nomura sucks
Now this one just warmed my heart. I’ve seen better animu character designs within the forbidden dregs of DeviantArt and KeenSpot than the zipper/belt-encrusted abominations that Nomura has foisted upon us for the past 15 years or so. He’s like the Asian Rob Liefeld: rich, commercially successful, and everyone I know hates him.
But thinking back to #14, perhaps I don’t belong to the oppressed majority after all and my opinion is worth as much as a fart in a wind tunnel. At least I can take credit in the fact that Hirohiko Araki literally has art presented the Louvre.
25. white female sidekick steals the show from black male protagonist
I don’t know what Joss Whedon show you were hoping to discover, but I know no one lets me write Hollywood schlock ever since I alienated them by writing #26 on this list. Not that I wouldn’t sell out in a second.
26. why doesn’t capcom make a new street fighter movie?
They did. And it was worse than the Street Fighter movie where I BEHELD SATAN FALLING FROM HEAVEN! LIKE LIGHTNING!
The Legend of Chun-Li wasn’t even entertainingly horribly terribad in that way that internet nerds love so much. It was stupidly, painfully, insultingly bad. It was so nauseatingly awful that Electronic Arts wouldn’t even put DRM on it. That trash made the horrendous King of Fighters live-action movie look like Die Hard. Uwe Boll would turn his nose up at it and go back to eating dog food out of a dumpster. Doctor Forrester would apologize for screening it in theaters, and that’s more of an acknowledgement of horribleness we’ll ever get from Capcom and Hollywood’s partial-birth abortion of a movie. I paid real money into the Manos: The Hands of Fate film restoration Kickstarter, so when a cretin like me says that The Legend of Chun-Li is hideously bad, you know it’s got to be like five Armenian Genocides glued together with Caligula’s bodily fluids and a side of Holodomor. That’s why Capcom didn’t make a new Street Fighter movie.