DuckTales Remastered: A Pathetic Exercise in Imperialist Hegemony

DuckTales Remastered: A Pathetic Exercise in Imperialist Hegemony

SMASH THE DUCKRIARCHY!!!!!!

It’s so insulting and degrading to keep stereotyping and denying rights to an entire subset of intelligent beings based on traits they cannot control. To inflict vicious cane beatings on the heads of those prejudged to be vicious criminals solely on them being dogs and wearing black eye masks, and to receive no repercussions because of your wealth, is a sign of society’s complete depravity and a reliance on the very highest pinnacles of duck privilege.

When are people going to learn that 2D art and 3D art next to each other always end up looking like a jangly Magic Eye poster?

When are people going to learn that 2D art and 3D art next to each other always end up looking like a jangly Magic Eye poster?

Come to think of it, every bird we see in the series is white-feathered. In real life, ducks can be black or brown or red or even green. On the other hand, best theme song of any show ever in history. Oh, the ambivalence!!!

So all the main characters are white male ducks, clearly the privileged class of their fictional society. White male ducks make up all of the main characters, with those of the lesser races of dogs and other birds are shoved to the sidelines. What’s more is that most of the white male ducks at the forefront are Scottish, that most privileged of European ethnicities.

And have you noticed that all of the female characters in DuckTales (Webigail, Mrs. Beaksley, Magica DeSpell) wear dresses and/or have pink bows in their hair? Another blatant arm-twisting by the powers that be to force gender norms upon unsuspecting viewers. How dare they demand that children contour to the binary gender myth.

So they made a game about this insane topsy-turvy world. The game (made in 2013!) is about a hyper-rich member of the ruling racial and social classes leaving his gigantic mansion to travel around the world on his private airplane with the explicit purpose of pilfering more money from impoverished nations. And we’re supposed to play as this scum, sympathize with him, and delight in draining more valuable resources including gold and gems from local economies to throw into the top of this feathery bastard’s money pit? With which he does not construct schools and hospitals in the countries of his victims, but sits on it (presumably gathering interest) while he plots his next raid?

Trillionaire Scrooge McDuck gleefully eviscerating the local endangered fauna.

Trillionaire Scrooge McDuck gleefully eviscerating the local endangered fauna.

I mean, look at where he goes. South America. Africa. Tibet. The former Eastern Bloc. Scrooge McDuck picks on the weak, bullying them with his massive wealth and unlimited reach while he extends his empire. And if that weren’t imperialistic enough, he establishes a financial presence on the moon. The moon!

…and why does the African Mines stage have funky disco music? African mines? And yet the only living things in the level are stereotypical wild animals and white dog people who are literally spear-chuckers? In reality, very few things could live inside a mine because of the lack of water/air/light and the occasional poisonous gas leak, yet we’re supposed to believe that Scottish waterfowl can navigate them with ease.

And during the game’s many cutscenes, they couldn’t even be bothered to animate the lip flaps! (Beak flaps?) More corner-cutting from the filthy creators of this heavy-handed capitalist garbage. Their naked lust for wealth is as overpowering as the stench at a duck-encrusted petting zoo.

And the music, this cruel game’s only redeeming factor, gets lowered in volume every time your player avatar gets hit so you can hear a wealthy 93-year-old limey complain about his aching bones and muscles? Disgusting. And how did Jeff Pescetto go from the best TV theme song ever made to lifeless, soulless nu-metal? Gotta pay the bills somehow, and acquiescing to the demands of the all-powerful status quo to make music for proles is one way to do it.

Quack your privilege. Glomgold is innocent. McDuck is the real oppressor. DO NOT BUY THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!

About Lee

Lee Laughead writes stuff about video games. Read his Twitter at https://twitter.com/Mesarphelous even though Twitter sucks.
Comedy, Exploring Stuff, Platformer, Politics, Video Gaming

4 comments


  1. I always hated Ducktales, even the cartoon, even worse was TaleSpin!, just regurgitated Disney characters.

  2. “best TV theme song ever made”

    You are defeated.

    – HC

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